How do you navigate a changing relationship? What if you want it to remain a flexible situation? Michelle and Paul invite us into the special relationship they have made. Hear it all on this episode of the Queer Joy Podcast; where two relationship therapists explore what it looks like to see joy in queer relationships.
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Melisa: this whole concept goes so much deeper than having a list of activities to do. They're like, I have a whole list of things, but then I don't do them like, cause you're not addressing what's actually happening in your nervous system.
Keely: Hello. Welcome everyone.
Melisa: Welcome to Queer Relationships, Queer Joy.
Keely: We're back again for another week, and you thought we'd take a moment to outline a structure or kind of structure, at least for the one, for the topics and the times that it's just the two of us talking and we don't have an interview.
Melisa: So for anyone who is just tuning into our podcast for the very first time my name's Melisa DeSegiurant, I'm one of your hosts.
Keely: And my name is Keely C. Helmick, I'm the other host.
Melisa: We're gonna do some personal updates about our lives. Then we're going to formally introduce ourselves in a more full way, and then we will dig into our topic today around anxious attachment.
Keely: Weee! And in that theme of exploration. We're gonna explore what it is like to navigate an anxious attachment.
Melisa: Especially in queer relationships.
Keely: Yes. And especially at those times when you find yourself, if you're an anxiously attached person and you find yourself alone at home and your partner's off doing other things. What do you do? So quick updates before, why don't we introduce ourselves and we'll do quick updates.
Melisa: Alright! Switching it up. Totally.
Keely: Since we started with intro of new listeners again, my name is Keely C. Helmick. I am the owner of Connective Therapy Collective. I am a white, queer, non-binary fem who is nonmonogamously dating. I don't know the whole relationship thing, it just keeps getting, I don't know if it's, cuz it's Scorpio season, that's what everyone keeps saying or it's getting close to the holidays or in Portland. It just gets kind of gloomy in seasonal depression, I don't know. But relationships are very interesting right now, to say the least.
Melisa: Yeah. Yeah. And I'm Melisa DeSegiurant. I am licensed as a marriage and family therapist and a professional counselor working at Connective Therapy Collective. And I am white bisexual able bodied.
I am polyamorous and I am genderfluid, I use she and they pronouns.
Keely: So. Updates. Who wants to go first? I'm trying to decide what do I even say? Sometimes I-
Melisa: I'm trying to decide if I even have an update. It's one of those, like, we're in, we're we're, I mean, I know it's not winter yet, but it feels like it.
Keely: No, it's really nice and sunny today in Portland, but yes, it does, it's definitely winter and Thanksgiving for those who celebrate. I don't even like saying that word, but it is a celebrated thing for some folks. Demarcates this holiday season in general. So I think there's a lot of that going on too, depending on how you view the holidays. I know that for my update, what do I even say?
I think I left off talking about how the person who I was dating earlier in the year and then they went off to do, they went off to another state to do a contract for a while. They're back. We have been hanging out, interacting. So I guess that's an update and we're actually talking about what it would like to be more seriously dating.
Keely: In the context of they have a primary partner and so what would that look like for us to date? And I see it as like when we say more structured.
Melisa: Sure. Yeah.
Keely: I mean, after a year, it's been a year since I reconnected with them, so it's been, things happen. You know, there's a quote that I read where someone was like, if you keep having sex with someone, feelings are going to come into play. You are gonna develop feelings. And I think that's what happened. And we were wondering what it'd be like to have some months apart. And I think what we actually realized is even though we weren't physically together, we were very connected when they were gone and talking a lot and talking about really intimate things together. And so it actually built our intimacy. So now we're gonna see what that means to be back physically together.
Melisa: Yeah. Distance makes the heart grow fonder, right? Isn't that what they say?
Keely: All right. And uh, yeah, I might have a drop the L word this weekend too for the first time. So,
Keely: We were talking about vulnerability, I was like, Oh no, I like cringed. I got like, oh, I felt like I was back in high school. I was like, I still like if people are watching on the video, my face gets, and I'm not one who get embarrassed very much, but that was some big V vulnerability this weekend.
Melisa: Ah, well done. Go you.
Keely: So where are you at?
Melisa: Gosh, I, yeah, I, I love living vicariously through your updates, Keely. I don't, I don't feel like I, I would be really like I don't know the word. Struggling to find relationship specific updates. I think week to week right now, things are pretty calm and steady. You know, being the solo poly moment that I'm having in my life means that a lot of my time is spent alone. So I would say the most active relationship right now, like every day I'm thinking about it, is my relationship with myself. And I think that's, you know, still part of the rebuilding that I'm doing in my life. So it's going pretty well. I mean, I like myself, so that's good. uh, I can drop the L word towards myself a little bit more often.