There are a LOT of variations and gray areas when you’re having queer sex. Pleasure, pain, gender, STI’s, vocabulary, bodies, oh my! In this episode of QRQJ, Keely and Melisa clear out shame and discuss the in-between.
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TRANSCRIPT
ep 59 clips
[00:00:00]
Exploring Ambiamory
Keely: I have a new word I, it's not a new word, but a new labeling for myself. I've got, quickly have to look it up real quick.
Um, ambiamorous. So ambiamorous; people who deliberate and ethical in their engagement with nonmonogamy, polyamory, and monogamy. Love it. So kind of the gray, you know, when we talk about different gray spaces or gray areas when we're talking about sex, which will be our topic of the day today,
The Dynamics of Kitchen Table Polyamory
Keely: So yeah, exploring kitchen table and what that means, and kitchen table meaning to me isn't about all the partners necessarily even hanging out a lot, but that there's this conversation and honesty and inclusion.
Being Nonrestrictive of Dating More Than One Person.
Keely: My kids know that I'm non-monogamous. currently and my 14 year old, you know, one of those typical teenage car ride conversations. She's [00:01:00] like, mom, do you like being poly? Wow. I get to actually be asked that, which I will say I'm also wearing the shirt. The future is Queer. It should be, the future is Queer and nonmonogamous
Melisa: Yeah.
Keely:
When I think about her being a teenager and the idea of her exploring relationship dynamics, I'm like, yeah. Date more than one person. Yes. And that doesn't. I'm not trying to make her be one way or the other.
I mean that I know that could come across that way. It's more about the concept, like we've talked about in other episodes, is dating more than one person or being open to dating, so that's not restrictive. And giving yourself a chance to figure out what you want, even if you're monogamous and that's your goal is to be monogamous, great.
But still give yourself an opportunity to to slow down and really get to know someone [00:02:00] and not be instantaneously tied down or connected to one person in that specific way.
HPV Transmission Can Extend Beyond Penis-Vagina Intercourse
Keely: I didn't realize that HPV can be transmitted genital to genital and mouth to genital.
Melisa: Mm-hmm.
Keely: And so this is, my doctors have never told me this. Um, it was always how I understood it was HPV was, um, mainly penis, vagina
Melisa: Mm-hmm.
Keely: Intercourse.
Melisa: Yeah.
Keely: And so I was like, what? So, uh, all your folks with Vulvas and women having sex with other women and any dynamic within that, if you have somehow been told or have the idea that you are safe from H P V because you are not having penetrative sex with a penis, talk to your doctor.
Melisa: Myth busting.
Empowering Yourself: Getting Rid of the Shame Around Sex
Melisa: Well, and the thing too is, uh, like yes, we [00:03:00] wanna practice, healthy, safe sex, and we wanna take the stigma away from STIs and STDs like, They're not always the end of the world and there's so much shame, and I think that's the biggest agenda I have around sex is like getting rid of the shame.
Whether that's shame over diseases, whether that is shame over the kinds of sex we wanna have, whether that's shame over kink, like. Shame in my book really doesn't have a place. I mean, I don't know if it has a place anywhere other than in some like really wonderful expressive artwork to release it, you know?
Embracing the Awkwardness: Queering Up Sex
Melisa: What are the fears and concerns coming up when you think about queering up sex? When you think about going outside of whatever routine you have created, that is a little tired and might need, you know, a pick me up. Um, Because so often it's like, I'm gonna embarrass myself. I'll look dumb. It's gonna be awkward.
I've literally told somebody in the last couple weeks like, great, call your partner. Go plan some awkward sex. It has to be awkward. You just have to make sure that every moment is [00:04:00] as awkward as possible. Get it out of your system, do that together, laugh, and then keep, keep playing like. You know? We have to sort of get away from this idea that it's supposed to be perfect or it's supposed to be anything.
You know, the more we can lean into the awkwardness, the embarrassment, the silliness, the more chance to connect with the people we're having sex with.
Navigating Awkward Conversations About Sex
Melisa: I was not a person who could talk during sex or even about sex like ever. It's pretty, I've said this recently, it's pretty surprising that I'm on this podcast now. If you knew me like three years ago, it's like, what? Uh, I really struggled. Specifically studying sex therapy and then putting myself in this field.
I mean, I have to talk about it all the time, and that's really helped me. So there is this piece of, it's not gonna be comfortable the first time, and you're just gonna have to do it. You're just gonna have to talk. You're gonna have to start flexing those communication muscles. And maybe it doesn't feel comfortable right away with a sexual partner.
But again, find your friends, listen to podcasts like [00:05:00] this one. Listen to other podcasts that talk about sex. Get yourself immersed in the language. So it just becomes normal. It's not a big deal anymore.
Keely:
Discovering the Creative Power of Your Body
Keely: So going back to this idea of queering sex, and we were talking about queering sex and shame, and I think that these, these conversations, you know, we've gone over and talked about the idea of having different vocabulary and like these technical pieces of how to be supportive of your partner or supportive of yourself and engaging in conversations with your partner.
I think the piece about really, if we get to basics when talking about what queering sex is, is the idea that there's not one specific way to use different bodyparts.
Different Touch: Exploring Intimacy with Different Partners
Melisa: People's bodies work differently. Some people have sensitivity in some areas that are not sensitive for other people, it's gonna be completely different. How we show up in sex is different. How I want one of my partners to touch me is quite different than how I want a different partner to [00:06:00] touch me.
It is not the same.
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