60: Trauma, Healing, and Relationships: Understanding the Connection

ep 60

Melisa: [00:00:00] Some of these folks have been doing that intensely and working through trauma and healing and, and working through codependency and all of those things, and then we entertain the idea of getting back in a relationship and it's like, wait, haven't I been working on that? Why is that not healed?

Hello everyone. Welcome back to Queer Relationships Queer. Joy.

Keely: Ooh, Queer relationships, Queer, Joy. We have a lot of relationship things to talk about. We will have some joy

Melisa: We, we promise there, there will be joy, but buckle up.

Keely: Yeah, we are looking for those gratitudes and joys right now. There's a lot of stuff going on for a lot of humans in the relationship department, so we'll do our intros, but just a heads up, we, we may talk a little bit about sex, but the focus today is back on relationships and relationship dynamics and [00:01:00] what is going on, at least in our world, what we're seeing.

Melisa: You're just, what is going on? Really, that's my question. Can anyone answer it?

Keely: Can anyone answer this? We'll talk about it, but I, we may not have the answer.

Melisa: We may not.

Keely: So I am. My name is Keely C. Helmick. I am a licensed professional counselor, owner of Connective Therapy Collective. I am a white, non-binary, Queer femme who is continuing to heal. I am definitely not monogamous. You know, is it solo? Is it, how am I connected? That's part of our conversation today, But for now, I continue to talk about the person I call Main Main. That's where I'm at.

Melisa: I am Melisa DeSegiurant. I am licensed as a marriage family therapist and professional counselor working at Connective Therapy Collective. I'm white bisexual. I'm able bodied. I am polyamorous. I am polyunsaturated. There's a big pause. We'll, [00:02:00] maybe I'm determining that too. I think I'm polyunsaturated. Polyunsaturated and lonely. Let's just name that.

Keely: Yes. Oh my gosh.

Melisa: Yeah, I am in relationship. I'm at relationship capacity and I feel lonely. Damn it. That still happens. Yeah.

Keely: I think that's a real thing that often does not get. Maybe it does, but I don't feel like we talk about it very much. I don't hear it a lot. The idea that how you can have these relationships and the relationships can be going for the most part really well, and there's still times of loneliness. It can feel lonely.

Melisa: Yeah, I'll get more into that in updates, but I think it's important to name number one just cuz it's authentic to like where I'm at today. And we try and not bullshit people on this podcast and like show up authentically, um, and also, like any of you have listened to us before. Like, no, I, I really enjoy relationship with self and so I think it's important to also name I too can get lonely That is also a feeling [00:03:00] I can experience, so,

Keely: No, that. to talk about. Not, not a great feeling to have, but it's a really great thing to talk about.

Melisa: Well, it's great to normalize, you know, I think it would be, again, false of me to say like, I never get lonely. I have all these activities and all the, yes, I do have activities and sometimes I am doing them through tears cuz I'm lonely.

Keely: Yeah. Yeah.

Melisa: Do we wanna do updates? I feel like both of us are like, eh.

Keely: I mean, I think my update, I mean, I do have a Queer Joy, uh, this is will be, the recording will be a couple weeks afterwards uh, what occurred. I don't know if I have much updates for once. I don't know. I mean, the person who I deem Main Main, um, thank you Ashley Gavins, uh, I'm very excited. I don't know if I already said this on an episode, but like, Chloe found out for me that Ashley Gavins is coming to town in May to Portland. Yeah, I think I already said that and I'll probably say it again because is that where my [00:04:00] excitement is, is some comedian and podcasts, there's where it's at. Uh, Otherwise I think what you and I were just saying, I am figuring out.

I know what I want, but I'm thinking, I'm trying to figure out, how do I phrase that in the dating sense, and how do I really be more intentional? And I know we've said that word already so many times. Even just the past couple episodes, but it was interesting on a recent whatever. I'm gonna talk about Ashley Gavins, an episode that I found really interesting and ties in with what we're saying.

Is that she mentioned when she first started dating that she had really put her W net really wide and just said, you know, I'm just gonna experience dating. I'm just gonna see I'll, I'll say yes, yes, yes, yes. Kind of like that. What is the, the movie? Yes, man. The person that's just like says yes to everything.

And [00:05:00] so she was saying yes to all these dates and then now she talks about being in a place where she is being more picky. And really encouraging people to be picky. And the way that reflects in my life right now is I recognize last year at this time, I had just gotten back on dating apps and I was, uh, really embracing nonmonogamy and I ebb and flow monogamy, non monogamy, polyamory, and I've said that before.

And when I was dating, I was going on all these dates. I was just like, okay, I'll see, like I'll just meet up with these people, see how it goes. And it was really interesting. Now reflecting back on that, the same thing of what Ashley's saying is that I wanna be really intentional and really notice what I am looking [00:06:00] for and seen how the opportunity presents, but not just really reading people's profiles and reflecting on, is that, does that sound like a match for me?

Melisa: Mm-hmm.

Keely: And the easiest one is like I am full blast wanting a primary partner. I'm ready for a primary partner. I'm in a space emotionally and physically and in my life realm, have the space for that. And so one easy thing for me is on the dating apps, if I see someone that's like, they're like, they already have a primary, I'm like, Nope. Like, I can just, Nope.