57: Refreshing Relationship Intentions for the New Year

ep 57

Keely: It's a really great opportunity to talk to your partners, set some intentions for yourself, but also set some relational intentions, brush off those agreements. have a nice check-in, maybe a longer check-in Hello everyone. Welcome back to Queer Relationships Queer Joy.

Melisa: Here we are after a little break.

Keely: Yeah, we, you know, we all need to take breaks. So we took a week break right before the end of the year and we'll do some check-ins, kind of see how, how both of us are doing.

Melisa: Take the temperature at this point, right? Right before the new year where things are.

Keely: Yeah, and we wanna take this, this is gonna be a very casualtype of day, talking about wrapping up the year, talking about some New Year's intentions, and wanna take a moment to also recognize how these what we talk about can be utilized by other people listening for your own New Year's intentions and check-ins.

So,introductions.

Melisa: I know, I was ready for the updates, but we should we. Yeah, let's do introductions first.

Keely: Are we just gonna start doing, do we, do you know the podcast I listen to? I wonder when Is there ever a time we stop doing check- not check-ins. We'll always do check-ins, but is there a time when we stop doing intros?

Melisa: Intros. honestly, I feel very at home with the other podcast I've listened to, because I think they do the same thing, at least, in my library or whoever I've subscribed to. It's like get into all these details and they're like, oh shit, here, here's our podcast, here's our names. Like, let's do that. But it becomes an afterthought at some point,

Keely: It is. Well, and I think back to not the co-host now, but there was a co-host that was working with Ashley Gavin, and they had Kate, Kate Sisk had their intro down, and so maybe one of my New Year's intentions, maybe an actual New Year's resolution. I will get my intro down so fast, it'll just be really crisp, specific, we'll keep practicing. That'll be my pra- I'll practice that. Practice that in the mirror,

Melisa: Totally like, like an affirmation

Keely: Keely's affirmation for the week. All right, well, speaking of that, my name is Keely C. Helmick. I am the owner of Connective Therapy Collective. I'm a licensed sex therapist. I am Queer, non-binary white fem. I am practicing nonmonogamy and really solo nonmonogamy right now, but I am ready for a primary. I have taken over a year from having a like full relationship, however you wanna term that for in my terms, a full relationship and I'm ready for primary. This solo poly stuff does not jive with me. I'm not a solo poly person.

Melisa: I hear you're being over it as you say that. I'm ready.

Keely: But you know, we all know, and people can deny this, but please write in, you know, when you're wanting it, it doesn't happen. And as soon as I get in a place where I'm like, oh, fuck it, like whatever. That's when it'll happen. But it has to be authentic. I can't pretend it and pretend to be over it. I need to really just be like in my, my groove and not trying to get a relationship, and that's when that person orbits into my life.

Melisa: Of course, I'm gonna do my intro, I swear. But of course, the analogy that comes into my mind is cats. Is anyone surprised that? That's what comes into my mind? But it's like when they're looking at you and they're like, I wanna sit on your lap. But if you make eye contact and you want that, they're not gonna do it. You gotta look away. You gotta play it cool. Use some improv skills like I'm not interested. And then they jump in your lap. So that's what you gotta do. Keely, look away. And then that partner's just gonna jump right into your lap.

Keely: So if I get off all the apps, is that the same as looking away from just the cat? Off all the apps again. Do my little thing go off for what, two weeks a month?

Melisa: They work for me over summer.

Keely: I mean, I am gonna join the lesbian choir. Maybe a friend of a friend. I don't know.

Melisa: Alright, here's my intro cause we're already updating cause that's the fun part anyway.

Keely: Yeah.

Melisa: I'm Melisa DeSegiurant. I'm licensed as a therapist in Oregon and California. I work at Connective, Therapy Collective. I am a white person. I'm able-bodied. I am bisexual. I am polyamorous and my gender is fun. It's fun and interesting and it's all over the place. Sometimes I say I'm gender fluid, sometimes it feels gender queer. I'm gender spicy going with some of the terminology we've used recently. I use she and pronouns.

Keely: Oh, gender spicy. Everything's spicy right now. We need some spice in this gray Portland weather. So yeah, bring on the spice.

Melisa: That's what it is. I'm already over winter and it like barely is starting.

Keely: I learned that there's, spicy veggie straws.

Melisa: Oh.

Keely: Like the, I tried those out speaking of spicy yesterday, that was interesting at a big queer gathering watching the, final episode of White Lotus. I won't give anything away and realizing that was like two weeks ago. So everyone knows what happens and we were all sad because. It's just really sad. I'll tell you later, Melisa, everyone knows that like fucking homophobia, but not real. It's like the joke. It's like the joke, like, oh my gosh, this series, like it's now ended season two. It's like that writer. You hate the gays, you just killed them all off. You just kill off all the gays.

Melisa: No. See, and I like, I have feelings and I don't even know the show.

Keely: There's big feelings. There were big feelings.

Melisa: I can feel that, yeah. So the update, we were talking about names and pseudonyms. Shout out to Ashley Gavin. I'm gonna use their, her term, I'm gonna use her term. And she calls. She has a person that she calls main main like the person that she talks about more often. And so I'm gonna try that out for the person. So main main, my main main will be is the person that I've talked about for being in a dating dynamic for over a year now. And they, they're the ones that went to the Midwest over the summer and then we had like shifted our relationship dynamic to friends or more friends than lovers and they got back in town, oh, wait a minute,

Keely: We want it to be actually more serious than it used to be. And we really shifted our relationship dynamic. So main main, uh, was very busy this weekend with their other partner, and I just found myself in one of those situations hanging out with their friends. But then having to really be conscientious of all these interactions and as much as I'm really enjoying our relationship dynamic, there are some challenges coming up in the poly, like really noticing that there was like, it was okay when we were more casual.

Melisa: Hmm

Keely: But now their partner, who they've been with for over three years is making some decisions that aren't necessarily decisions that I agree with.

Melisa: Hmm.

Keely: I'm feeling this tug and pull, and now that it's after Christmas, it's after this holiday, I'm looking at spending New Year's Eve with them, and then they have their birthday coming. And then it's Valentine's Day and I'm looking, going, Hey, we got some big things to talk about because these things are coming up and we've gone up a notch. I don't wanna say relationship escalator or relationship ladder, it's just there's more intention. We'll use the word intention, intention a lot today. There's more intention behind our, our dynamic, and so, ugh.

Melisa: Yeah. Relationships. I, I wanna say like they can progress even if you're not moving up the escalator.

Keely: Yes.

Melisa: You might be on a spiral staircase. Who knows?

Keely: Yay. We're in a spiral staircase. And I really do identify having the, one of the most healthy dynamics I've ever had in a relationship with them. But now it's like, oh, metamour stuff coming up. Yay. So maybe I'll set an intention around that while you do your update. Melisa. Oh. so that's main main.

And then I also have Texas.

That's what I'm naming the other person. I'm casually dating, very casually dating. I've mentioned them before. They're the person who I was talking about who described, our dynamic as a little lukewarm. So, but we're still hanging out and exploring what it means to be like in a healthy, slow dynamic.

Melisa: I mean, bathwater temperature is great, right? Like we can enjoy that.

Keely: I mean, backwater temperature in the ocean when you're swimming in Hawaii.

Melisa: It's perspective. It's just perspective. If you're expecting a hot tub and you get bathwater, you might be kind of disappointed If you're expecting like a freezing ocean and you get bathwater, you're like, ah, this is great. What was that that my brain just did?

Keely: Did you start thinking about Hawaii? I mean, when I think about Hawaii, I think about sun, sand, sex,

Melisa: Yeah.

Keely: And water. Yeah. Maybe that's where your brain went.

Melisa: I guess so. I don't know.

Keely: What are your updates? Melisa.

Melisa: Um, gosh, I don't have fancy names like you do. I, I, I don't know if I, I wa I wanted to say, I guess I have to work on that, but I don't know if I can commit to that. I'm not sure that that would work for me. but you know, I mean, there's a person who doesn't live here and this person who does. So that's what I've been saying so far.

Keely: So local and long distance.

Melisa: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. See you're good at this Keely Yeah, my long-distance person is great. I mean, it's sad though because with the time difference, we actually have not had a lot of time to connect, and I don't know. I'm, I'm saying this and then I, I will have to like do a check-in before this airs because I don't want my check-ins to be like, oh, yeah, I listened to your podcast and found out how you feel about our relationship.

Um, no. I mean, my sense is from our communication that we are both just really busy and that's okay. Like my sense is that we're both very okay with the amount of communication right now. Even though I still, I still do feel connected to this person. . But as I say that, yeah, I should check in about that and not just assume. Yeah, and local, I mean, things are just amazing, honestly. They're just, there's again, a lot of like, kinda like you said, Keely, a lot of progression and deepening, even though we're definitely not riding the relationship escalator in any conventional way, it's just amazing. Yeah, and I will share maybe more.

I, I don't wanna give specifics about, gifts and things like that, that I gave for Christmas and or as we're recording this, planning to give for Christmas. But I do want to name that I am, I'm doing something very personal and very vulnerable, and super romantic. And it's not that that's unlike me.

That's what I do when I'm in love with someone. And this is just, it is just different. And again, I, I don't even, once we pass into the new year officially, I don't wanna give specifics just cuz it's something really personal that I wanna hold near to my heart. But I will say that it, it requires a lot of crafting and creativity. I am, I'm making something very personal and it's amazing because it's time consuming. And so I ended up spending like my whole weekend immersed in this project, which just meant I was like, not with, you know, my partner, but also very much with the energy of our relationship. So it was a really cool way.

We've talked about this before, like how do you stay connected to people when you're not actually together, spending time together? And I felt connected all weekend, and we barely talked, you know, and then it was kind of cute, like when the texts came in, I was like, ha ha, you don't know what I'm doing, but I'm like, my whole day is about you right now. Like,

Keely: Oh, cute.

Melisa: The star of my day. You know?

Keely: Cute. That's so cute.

Melisa: So I will try and give an update later on, maybe about like how the gift is received. like I said, I, I don't, I'm not gonna be specific. I won't promise any specifics about it. I'm nervous. It's pretty vulnerable. Like it, it's the most vulnerable thing I think I've ever done. Guaranteed. So . Yeah.

Keely: I'm excited to hear how it goes and how the gift, how it's received, and the update around that.

Melisa: Yeah, totally. And I'm not like, I'm, I'm a little broke, so I don't, I haven't done gifts in a long time. So that's also like, oh yeah. Like planning gifts for people. That's a thing that people do this time of year.

Keely: Whoa.

Melisa: Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, I guess those are my updates.

Keely: Sweet. Well, before we get into intentions, so we are looking at wrapping up the year and I also have been hearing a lot speak. It's a little bit of an update, but it's really actually just what's going on in in social media is that this time of year is really a lot of breakups. It's like the season of breakups and there's like statistics and they're naming that this time is the highest between, I think they were saying the two weeks between Christmas and New Year's, or that two week kind of holiday has the highest amount of breakups.

Melisa: Wow. I think about that in the context too, and I don't know. I mean, this is gonna be skewed based on like my own social media and like not just social media in terms of like bigger influencers I follow, but more so like personal accounts and people I know, which a lot of those people, there's a mix I think of queer culture and straight culture in my, like the people who I'm connected to.

But, breakup season at the same time that there's this like engagement season happening for those relationship escalator writers, like that is a really tough contrast. Really tough contrast.

Keely: It seems to fit. If we think about it, if we think about the end of the year and we're setting intentions and we're reviewing how our life is, And really having, you know, Melisa, you talk so much about introverting during this time of year, I've been calling it hibernation. When people ask , I'm like, I'm hibernating.

So there is this time of reflection and it makes a lot of sense of either, Hey, I wanna take this next step with this person.

Melisa: Hmm

Keely: And it's a cliche for the straight culture for sure, but also, it makes a lot of sense that you have this downtime, more time inside, more time of reflection, connecting with family and friends and being like, eh, I, I wanna start the new year different. This person doesn't work anymore in my life.

Melisa: So we're, we're either taking steps forward or taking steps back.

Keely: Yes.

And that, I mean, breakup suck. And even if it's a positive breakup or it was a positive choice, which I really believe universally, like whenever there's a breakup, but that's what was meant to be.

It can be really hard and sad, but also these opportunities to have new things come into your life and normalizing it more, normalizing a breakup versus, I mean, we talk about the relationship escalator all the time, but wanting to normalize that the relationship could still be great no matter how long it was. And that to have a fulfilling life and a fulfilling relationships, you don't have to be married or with somebody for 40 or 50 years as the cis, white, hetero, monogamous white culture tells us.

Melisa: Not at all.

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Melisa: I'm also curious, like, can we talk about the idea of like waiting until holidays are over to break up?

Keely: Oh,

Melisa: That's a concept a lot of my clients are talking about, where it's like, okay, I feel the breakup is inevitable and I don't, but I don't wanna break up with somebody right before I can't, before Christmas. I can't before, you know, like New Years.

Keely: We already have these New Year's plans. We're already going to this party.

Melisa: And then it, and then it's Valentine's Day. Like I'm just, I'm gonna have to wait till next, maybe March, you know?

Keely: I will say my first experience with this as a bystander, when I was 19, I went to Ireland and I was there for the two week Christmas time. I was in college and I had a friend, Brona, who I'd met over the summer at summer camp. We were a chem counselor, so I went and visited her and I remember, and this was also y2k, for those folks of us who were old enough to remember y2k. This, I was in Ireland and it was turning 2000 and I'm in the bathroom, this foreign country just like drinking cause I'm 19.

And so in Ireland you can legally drink just having a grand old time and Brona comes in the bathroom crying and hysterical. Her fiance had just broken up with her. Awkward. That was my first experience and I've had many experiences since then of watching people have these breakups. I mean, for me, I think I've said this in the past, my, my breakups were always on Valentine's Day, so.

Melisa: Mm-hmm.

Keely: Maybe I did, or whoever I was with, we waited until though I did have a breakup, actually, no, I had a breakup on December 26th. Ooh. My relationships, my like longer term, what I- say as relationships, they do really follow that timeline. Wow.

Melisa: Yeah.

Keely: Wow.

Melisa: Yeah. And like, I mean, I, I struggle as a therapist when people tell me that, like, oh, I have to wait.

Keely: Yeah.

Melisa: And I struggle because I am, I'm conflicted in those moments of like, Ooh, I feel the why behind why you have to wait. And I really struggle with promoting being in relationships that we're not really like, what are you gonna do? Phone it in through the holidays and like be a fake relationship. Like that doesn't feel good.

Keely: Oh, it's a lot of anxie- it's such anxiety-producing. And I think about the idea of cognitive dissonance and so like, okay, if the holidays already bring anxiety and anxiety can, that feeling of anxiety can actually be positive. It, it's a rush and intense feeling around these holidays. But also the cognitive dissonance is how, how much intensity anxiety do you feel to the point where you just have to do something to shift? You have to shift it somehow.

Melisa: Yeah.

Keely: And that shift can be breaking up with somebody.

Melisa: Yeah. It can be. And you know, I think the intention of, well, I wanna wait, is usually to spare someone hard feelings during the holidays. And I just don't know. I mean, if you're, if you two are really attuned, my assumption is I shouldn't just say two, three, whoever, however many people are in the relationship, I don't know. It's hard for me to believe that somebody wouldn't feel some energy, like

Keely: Yeah,

Melisa: you mask it that well, that they really still feel in love and enamored. Or do they kind of know something's up and they're just waiting and so their holiday is now being frozen and worried about when's it gonna happen.

Keely: Yeah. Yeah. So we're, we're honoring and inviting people to think about doing the breakup whenever you want to do it. Don't rely on a holiday or a timeline, just like we're talking about, not having to be on the relationship escalator. There is no perfect time. There is never a perfect time to break up or change your relationship dynamic cuz also I like to normalize when we talk about breakups. I like depending, especially in nonmonogamy and I feel more queer culture, even monogamous queer culture than straight culture. There is a sense of still maintaining a relationship even after a breakup. So I do also like to use the word relationship. changing the relationship structure or changing the relationship dynamic.

Do it. Do it.

Melisa: Just do it. It's okay. Everyone will heal, you know, regardless of the timing. And if you need, if you like holiday music, it's kind of late now, cuz I know we're releasing this after Christmas. But for next year, if you need a breakup Christmas song, Kelly Clarkson wrote a great one called, Christmas Isn't Canceled, Just You.

Keely: Oh

Melisa: love it so much. I sent it to like four clients.

It's after the season anyway. I know I'm late and, it's a great, it's a great one. So reclaim that Holiday folks.

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Cardinal: Hey. Hey, it's Cardinal. You're behind the scenes, buddy. Wow. You know, I have actually ended a couple relationships on that person's birthday, so it's good to know that I'm not alone in the whole holiday breakup thing. Avoid situations like that by periodically checking in with your relationship. Not sure where to start.

We have a free relationship check-in worksheet that you can use alone or with your partner or. Link is in the episode description. All right, back to the show.

Keely: Well, you know, when we think about, we talked about how we're gonna speaking a breakups, sort of like reflecting on the year.

Melisa: Mm.

Keely: Ooh, that's a doozy. I don't I, I think about how our topics, we talked about, cuz we really started with the idea of talking about self-love and then queering valentine's. We worked our way into the summer and doing some great interviews, pride.

We had our wonderful pride interviews with some of the people at CTC. Guys really celebrate pride. Then we took our little, you know, summer vacation break, came back. we're now in full swing of season three, exploring a lot of different things.

Melisa: Yeah,

Keely: Ooh,

Melisa: We went. We went a lot of places.

Keely: We did, and I think about the relationships that I have ooh, wow. I did some dating, I did some interesting things.

Melisa: You did it this year.

Keely: I know. Well, I think about the beginning. I mean, I start off the season having found out that my ex was married.

Melisa: That's, yeah, that's a, that's a way to start the season.

Keely: That's how I started last year. And then went into what do we do? Oh, I did tons of dating and then had some flings. That makes sense. Start out with like very casual dating, had some fling. Dating the same person and now I'm like in a little bit more serious dynamic with main main. So, okay. I really kind of followed a script if you really think about it.

Melisa: Totally, totally. In some ways, Keely, I know we're often like joking about how we're so different and we are in so many ways and our paths take different turns. And as you say that, I actually think we were on a similar. Path this, this last calendar year. I mean, I started off, I would say alone, like complete isolation alone, I've talked about that in in prior episodes and, and not, not like no one has to feel bad for me. That was very self-chosen and necessary, um, to do some healing work and some living behind as I moved into the beginning of this past calendar year and springtime started exploring a little bit, very, very casual dating and kind of figuring out what do I like, what do I don't?

That matched, what we talked about with different kinds of attraction, right? And that's what I was really exploring for myself. We're like, what's the difference between my aesthetic attraction and romantic attraction or sexual desire and how do those things work together in my body in my system? And then it was late spring that, uh, my local partner came back into my life and that just kind of launched me into a new energetic

Keely: Yes, yes.

Melisa: I really do think that also paved the way to meet my out-of-town partner. which happened again when I got off the dating apps. I literally canceled the apps and then a couple weeks later, like this amazing person walks into my life. So, Yeah, my heart just really was practicing expansion and, um, that's where I'm at now.

I'm really, I don't know. I mean, if I've manifested these relationships, I think I'm really in the abundant place right now. so yeah, it's been this progression from like solit, it felt like solitary confinement in some moments, but like,

Keely: To me, it feels like that back then.

Melisa: Yeah. Yeah. In some moments it did for me. But no, this, this sort of, um, at other times very peaceful, willful solitude into really being deeply connected.

and still in relationship with myself, which I'm going back to like our second episode, you know, of season one where we were like, can we actually do autonomy and connection at the same time? I'm doing it. I'm living it, baby. It's happening.

Keely: Yay. So we're reflecting on some of the points from the past year, and then in doing so in that reflection, also thinking about what are some New Year's intentions and also wanting to give this opportunity as a way to model that Melisa and I are talking about our intentions.

It's a really great opportunity to talk to your partners, set some intentions for yourself, but also set some relational intentions, brush off those agreements. have a nice check-in, maybe a longer check-in by the fireplace, if you, if you're so lucky to have a fireplace, I do not have a fireplace.

Melisa: You get that, like, what is it, radiant fireplace on the, on the tv. I don't even have a TV so for me it's like on the computer screen or like I, I've never actually done this, but I can project it onto my wall.

Keely: But yeah, do some check in with your partners. Set some intentions.

Melisa: And I, I appreciate the use of that word, intentions, Keely. I do tend to ask clients around this time of year, like, do you make New Year's resolutions? And I get a variety of responses. For some people, that's a practice that has a lot of ties to their childhood and is very meaningful. And for others it produces a lot of fear and anxiety and feeling negatively about oneself. I mean, I've definitely been in that crowd that set like a very concrete goal in January and by the beginning of February I was like, great. Started the year off failing a goal like that. So that doesn't work for me. . another way to think about it for some people, and I actually, I started this before I got into intentions, was just setting a theme for the year.

Like the energy. For example, for our podcast season three, right? It's like exploration. And I've had that before where this year's gonna be about creative growth, for example. You know, this year's gonna be about connection, set a theme, if you're feeling that. And also it doesn't have to be right before the new year.

I mean, we all have different ideas of when new year is anyways, depending on your spiritual beliefs and perspectives. but sometimes I gotta get in, like if I'm doing a calendar a year, Gregorian calendar. Theme. Sometimes I gotta get to the end of January before I know. I'm like, oh, that's the theme I'm in this year.

Keely: Oh yeah. Yeah.

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Keely: My favorite holiday is New Year's Eve and New Year's Day, and part of it is the Virgo in me that loves having these goals and intentions, . So I will say I always set these up and actually, some of the spiritual practices I do when I go to the organized meetings for my spiritual practice, they actually will have guide us through this nice hour and a half and we set right intentions.

And then they mail it to us like by the end of the year. So I usually get a nice little letter about what I had written at the beginning of the year. So that's always, again, I love that. Is it the Virgo on me? Is it, I don't know,

Melisa: Cool.

Keely: But as we're talking, I'm thinking about, I mean, an intention, I think about the podcast. I'm just gonna put it out. I dunno if I used the word goal or intention, but we mentioned this a couple episodes back. how do we get to a different country or how do we get some events going? So I am putting it out there. An intention is for us to be in a different state

Melisa: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Keely: Putting that out there.

Melisa: That means I need to make the damn goal of getting my, I keep saying that, but like

Keely: Passports.

Melisa: January budget, I can budget for that in January.

Keely: Your passport.

Melisa: Where we're folks in capitalism, we're budgeting for the passport because I just can't afford,

Keely: Uh,

Melisa: Oh, capitalism,

Keely: That's a podcast intention. Do you have, okay, other than passport, do you have a podcast intention?

Melisa: Yeah, I'm glad you brought it to the podcast. I think ju uh, honestly, expansion, I, I am so happy that we are still doing this podcast and that I still feel energy and excitement and. Expansion and not, not just meaning in growth and who we're interviewing and where we're going. Yes. All of those things. And like we've had a lot of, behind the scenes talks about how do we make the quality even better?

How do we start really investing in this? And I, this is common. Anytime I listen to podcasters, you listen to the first couple episodes and it's way different than season three, four or five, you know, and beyond.

Keely: Totally.

Melisa: So, yeah, I just wanna keep engaging full speed ahead, whether that means technical elements, I would really, really love for some more listener engagement.

We'd we have had some great, feedback and questions. that's something I'd be really interested in hearing more of. So get on our social media, get on our Instagram page, let us know your intentions for our podcast so that we can take them into consideration. cuz I'm really, I'm interested in investing in this project and bringing it to the next level.

Keely: Totally. And in saying that, maybe I would like to just add a couple things for our listeners to look forward to. We have planned more engagement with one of our partners as you like it, so we're gonna have a giveaway in January because you know it's January and we need something to look forward to.

Melisa: Presents don't need to end with Christmas. Just keep it going.

Keely: So watch it, pay attention to Instagram. We'll have that popping up. we also have some fun interviews lined up. Super pumped for that, but I'm not gonna give away who it is yet. You gotta, we'll, we'll do some little teaser on the Instagram. So those are some fun things to, to look forward to is giveaways new interviews.

Setting those intentions and Melisa and I have our own little check-in, like, what's working well for us in our relationship. You know, shrimp teeth talks about relationships outside of just, friendships and romantic relationships and like Melisa and I have a creative relationship, so we're checking in, we're having our own check-in and agreements and intentions together.

Melisa: Totally. Yeah.

​Do we also, now that we just said we don't have to just focus on romantic relationships, that's the first thing that I'm like, but let's go back.

Keely: We're about Queer relationships. We do talk about romantic relationships.

Yes. Bring it back.

Melisa: I'm curious, Keely, if you have any specific like relationship intentions for yourself in the next year, or if that's something that feels like a relevant practice for you.

Keely: Yeah, totally. I mean, this already, I know that I am, when we wrap up today, I have a hopeful, check-in with my person, Maine Maine. And I definitely have the intention of expanding our agreements and. Having more interaction with my metamour because we have a lot of growth to do and a lot of learning in the dynamic with the three of us.

And there's actually four people, cuz the person who is I, no I'm covered names now. I have come with more names, but Maine Maine's partner also has a spouse. And so really there's actually four of us that now are learning more and more how the, the decisions and planning affect all of us.

Melisa: Yeah. You're all in the system.

Keely: That's my big relationship goal is, is working on that, those communication dynamics and agreements.

And then, with the other person, I'm dating Texas, I just hope to continue to grow more and have, see how that goes and see what it's like dating, like solidly dating to people and then maybe, chilling out for a minute and getting off the apps. I am after and next day too. I'm gonna get off them for a little bit and focus on these two developments.

And then a third thing is their name is gonna be Leo on the podcast. Leo is the person I've referenced before who I've had an off again on again, friendship, lover, nonmonogamous, monogamous, all the things. Oh, they've popped back up. And so Michael with them is to have a solid friendship foundation and see how we can actually like, stay in each other's lives in a way that's really healthy and a more Queer platonic friendship dynamic.

And see, as they finish, they have some really big goals professionally and academically. And so supporting them in that and allowing them to focus on that and seeing where that can go.

Melisa: Wow. I like the way that you have sort of specific intentions for each connection in each relationship. That feels super valuable. and maybe something that I can think about for myself. I have general relationship intentions, uh, a little bit more, maybe a little bit more self-centered. I don't know.

They're a little bit more self-oriented, like, who do I wanna be in relationship? I guess that's not self-centered because I'm showing up for people in this way. the words that are just coming to mind are like, don't hold back. You know, it's like, it kind of feels like all in, like, that's my, like, that's my theme.

Keely: See, I like themes. All in

Melisa: I'm all in, which is like, hmm. So different from where I was this time last year. I was all out.

Keely: When you say solitary. Solitary confinement,

Melisa: Really, like I was not all in, I was very much like everyone stay away from me for a very long time. And it's not that I'm welcoming in like a bazillion connections, that's just not my style or personality. It never will be. and I'm very happy with that . and I, I, I don't know that I have been,consciously holding back.

I think I have been holding back, maybe not in a negative way, just in a necessary way, as someone who has still been healing from divorce, who has still been figuring out who I am in this world, who has still been acclimating to where I live now. Like when I think back to, you know, had January of 2020, my life looked literally completely different.

It's unrecognizable. The fact that I'm sitting here on a podcast saying, I'm Queer, I'm poly I use she/they. That is like ridiculous, and I don't know that people can really understand how different my life was. So, Yeah, it was necessary to be holding back in relationship because until I know what I have to offer people, I can't be fully invested in relationships.

I'm still doing the work on myself, and I've come to a really beautiful place of integration in my relationship with self. That work will continue as it always does, but like I am really ready to give in a relationships in a way that I was not ready to before. And so, I don't wanna have fear about that.

I want to go all in balls to the wall and if I fall on my face and I get hurt, I will pick myself up again and I will heal again. Cuz I've done it before and I know I could do it. So yeah, I'm inviting any listeners who are resonating with that theme to adopt it and go with me on this journey of being all in.

Keely: Yay. That's so awesome.

Melisa: Yeah. Yeah, it feels good. I can feel that in my body as I say that, like that's not just a cognitive, oh, this is what sounds nice this year. That's like a no. Like my spirit is telling me like, go, the time is now. Do it

Keely: Well, on that note, we've set our intentions. We've set both our creative relationship intentions and our romantic relationship intentions. Hopefully this was helpful and y'all now have some ideas about connecting with your loved ones, your friends, creative partners, whatever dynamic and setting some intentions with them, and reviewing agreements

Melisa: Or breaking up with them if it's not

working

Keely: Bye. No more work to do.

Melisa: Transitioning the relationship.

Keely: Relationship transitions.

​

Keely: So and on that note. , uh, we have some Queer Joys.

Melisa: Yeah. Yeah. Do you have one? Keely? Do you want me to go?

Mine is just very general. So obvi. It sounds like you have a more specific one. For me, it's just I have been really developing queer, like queer friendships and really embrace in the city of queer community because I do live in a, the city I live in, I do have a lot of biological family and I do have some connection to my family of origin and, and I've just been really, had so much fun being at all these different places and really building more of a Queer community than I've ever had, and some of that is through the people I'm dating, but also as I come more and more into myself, you know, we talk about this all the time, but coming into my gender, coming into my sexuality, even though I've been out since I was like 19, just each year coming more into myself, I'm really, I really feel myself showing up away in community where I'm making these really beautiful connections and they're so fucking queer. And as silly as it may sound like when I'm going to these events and see people I know, and it feels like, I mean, for some reason in my head, a reference I thought of when I used to watch TV with my dad and watch Cheers. And you know, they come into the bar and they know each other, you know, where everyone knows your name.

Keely: Like, that's what it's like for me. Right. Like fully in the queer community going to these different events and it's, yeah, a lot of them are bars, but, you know, going to the Blazers game, going to the choir, the lesbian choir concert, going just out and about in like coffee shops, like queer places, queer hangouts. It's so lovely and so building and feeling fully in, in a community, in a bigger community, both having the community at, Connective Therapy Collective, but also this bigger Portland community is just so awesome. I'm so lucky.

Melisa: I that, I mean, it's that feeling like you said, it's just so incredible to walk in and be like, here are my people, you know? Cool. Well, my Queer Joy again, by the time this is aired, it will have already happened at the time of recording. It's happening in like three days. So I'm real excited. I haven't, as y'all know, I haven't been taking myself out on my solo dates in a while.

partially cuz it's cold. Also, I spent a lot of money this summer doing that and I needed to like, you know, reign it back a little bit. but I splurged and bought myself a ticket to see the Nutcracker Ballet locally. And I mean, one, it's cool cuz I haven't seen like Portland Ballet Company perform or the Oregon Ballet, company perform.

Melisa: So that's something that I, you know, as a ex dancer, an artist, that's just meaningful to me. Also, I grew up doing the Nutcracker Ballet every single year, with the Oakland Ballet. I was trained in like the young Academy, like the Oakland Ballet Academy. And so we got to join the Oakland Ballet Company and doing the Nutcracker, um, on a gorgeous stage, the Paramount Theater in Oakland.

So I have so many fond memories, of that time. You know, it's gonna be totally different choreography. Every, every, company has a different version of the Nutcracker, but the themes, obviously, the story and themes are the same. So I am, that's gonna be some good inner child stuff for me. Also, it's like the ballet, and that's a good reason to get dressed up in fancy clothes that I never get to wear anymore.

So, I am decking out in like a full on evening gown and heels and the whole, I have like a floor length Peco that I never wear cuz it's way too fancy for anything that I ever do. But I'm like the ballet, this is, it's like ballet and opera. Those are the two things I can think about that like you're allowed to be as fancy as possible and no one's at you. So I'm going to that in a few days and I'm super, super excited.

Keely: Yay. Well, that's it. That's, that's a year, that's a full year in, in the podcast. Thank you, all of you for following us and listening to us, and hopefully learning from us, and we love hearing from you and learning from you as well. And just so much gratitude to all of our listeners and all of our followers, and we really, really hope you have a Queer and Joyful Week, and a Queer and Joyful New Year.

Cardinal: Thanks for listening to queer relationships, Queer Joy, a podcast by the Connective Therapy Collective. Hosted by Keely C. Helmick and Melissa DeSegiurant with audio edited by Ley Supapo Bernido. I'm a producer and behind the scenes, buddy, Cardinal marking inter music is by bad snacks. This episode made you smile or think, tell us about it. If you hated it, tell us about that. Review us on iTunes or Spotify, or send us an email at media at Connective Therapy. Collective dot com.

Follow our Instagram at Queer underscore relationships underscore Queer underscored joy, and find more resources on our website. Www dot Connective Therapy, Collective dot com slash queer relationships. Queer Joy. It's a lot of links. Just check the episode description. All right. Love you. Bye.