Dating can be difficult and complicated, especially if you are queer. Intimacy ConAmore share some dating advice on this episode of Queer Relationships, Queer Joy; where two relationship therapists explore what it looks like to see joy in queer relationships.
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TRANSCRIPT
Derica: Some of the success in dating in queer circles is I actually have like go into these queer circles, not with the idea of I'm looking for someone to date, but that I'm looking for my people that I can have community with. And then it seems that organically, I find people to date. It's kinda almost like if you're outside looking for a four leaf clover, you don't find it, but if you're outside, just admiring the grass, you find several. Keely: Oh, hello. Welcome back, everyone to Queer Relationships, Queer Joy. I'm one of your hosts, Keely C. Helmick. I'm a licensed professional counselor. I'm the owner of Connective Therapy Collective. I am a queer, non-binary, femme. I also am solo poly, and mainly able bodied with an acute injury and white and that's it for now. Melisa: And I'm your other host ,Melisa deSegiurant. I'm a licensed professional counselor and licensed marriage and family therapist at Connective Therapy collective. I'm white, bisexual. I'm able bodied, I'm polyamorous, solo poly at the moment. And I identify as gender fluid. I use she and they pronouns. Keely: Well, we get to have a guest today and we get to talk about queer relationship dating and learn some more about our awesome guest. Before we get into that, we have some updates as well. Derica's our guest today and they are, I wanna let them introduce themselves. And we were gonna talk a little about, about some preliminary things as we set up for both this discussion and tying into dating. Derica: Awesome. I go by Derica socially. Professionally. I go by Intimacy Conamore. Because I believe that everyone should live their life intimately with love or you're missing something like just not fulfilling. My pronouns are amazing badass they them, he, she. She is the one that I'm least attached to. Even though I was born AFAB. Identified female at birth and I was like three, when I told my parents I'm not a girl and they were like, okay, cool. You're not a girl. And they like wholeheartedly took it seriously. And then like a week later, it was my birthday and several family members brought me girl toys and it broke my heart. So commuted to toys are us and let me return every fucking girl toy that my family members bought me. And with the money, I bought me and my brother matching BMX bikes, which were really pricey back then and soccer balls and football. And so after that, the family kind of got their shit together, like, okay, we can't force her to be a girl. If she says, she's not a girl, she's not a girl. So I have been blessed to grow up with that privilege. Cause I know so many people don't have that. Or even if they have it inside their home, that doesn't mean that their parents are willing to be as affirming with family, right? Yeah. So I know that I come from privilege as it relates to my gender experience. I identify as demisexual, sometimes asexual very rarely, like every three years I'll have like this mega sexual phase where I just want sex all the time. And I'm like hounding all of my partners. Like who's available for sex. I just want sex, like mindless sex. And I don't know why. So what my body wants, who's willing to participate. I also identify as pansexual because I dislike people. And when I'm into you, I'm into you and I don't care what genitalia you may have been born with or what genitalia you still have. I just don't give a shit because there's so many ways to have sexual fun and touch pleasure that don't really even concern necessarily what genitalia you have. Like, it really doesn't matter. I like nipples. I don't care whose nipple it is. I fucking like nipples. So , I love it. I love it. I have two kids. They're black men, they're 19 and 24 and thriving and just amazing little feminist in the making. And I work very hard to fight against all the misogyny that my brother and my father still cling to with my children. And so now, we have jokes about it. My kids. Like tease about sometimes I'll recognize, oh, that's real misogynistic. And I'm like, yep. But that's not my doing, that's your uncle and your grandpa. And they're like, then they go tease uncle and grandpa about it. And I'm like, I appreciate that they can go joke with them about it, because then I know on some level it's making my dad and my brother think maybe I shouldn't be like this. Cuz I have a daughter and I have a sister and I have a mom and you know, slowly but surely cracking away at those old thought patterns for other generations. Wow. Keely: Yeah. What amazing work. Derica: And thank you. And then I work as a sex surrogate and a public speaker. I started public speaking because I was 25 before I was firm and confident that I didn't want to be monogamous. But I had never liked monogamy. Like that doesn't make sense to me. And I had non-monogamous grandparents with several aunties and uncles who were my grandparents. Other husbands, wives, boyfriends, girlfriends and it was like just common knowledge. Everyone knew grandma and grandpa had different boyfriends and girlfriends. They even lived with different girlfriends and boyfriends, but we knew grandma and grandpa were married. They just didn't live together. And now their eighty something and they do live together and all of their partners have preceded them in death. So they're monogamous by age, not by choice. And so it just never made sense to me to be monogamous, but I didn't have anyone else that knew about non-monogamy in my life. No one, not school, not socially, not professionally, no one. And then my grandmother had a photo album that I found at an age that I should not have found it. And she was like, I can't tell you what this is. And I was like, you don't tell me, I'm gonna tell mom. And she was like, so if I tell you, you won't tell mom, I was like, right. And if mom finds out, she'll never let me come back to your house. And she'd be like, right. And so she told me like all the ins and outs about swinger etiquette. At the tender age of 12, but my mom had given me sex education at the age of seven. Yeah. So I was reading books about sex education way before most other parents think their children are old enough to read about that stuff. And so then I couldn't wait to be legal and go to my first swingers party. So I started public speaking because I feel like there's not enough people talking about it. Yeah. And you shouldn't have to grow up your whole life thinking monogamy is the only real way to love someone. Yeah. And like all the self shaming that comes with that if you're a person who doesn't naturally just love one person. So I'm proud to say I love many. There are many people that love me. And it's okay that I'm not monogamous and it's okay, that whomever else is listening to this. If you're not monogamous, the thing is be ethical about it. Tell everyone the truth. And if there's someone in your life, that's like, oh, that's not okay. Then they're not meant for you. You shouldn't have to hide loving other people or people loving you just because one person's not okay with it. Yeah. Keely: What a great message all around. Yes. Well, I think there's already so many questions. Melisa, I want you to jump in. Is there anything else Derica, that you wanna make sure people know before we just jump into like, all types of topic. Derica: So since the death of George Floyd, it's been a new level of realness to the fact that most of the men in my life are men of color and going forward, I just have made a conscious choice for myself, for sanity and mental, emotional safety that I don't pair myself with other professionals who are not mindful and intentional that they're doing work, that somehow is either in partnership with people of color or benefits people of color. And so when you were referred to me, the person that referred me to you, first of all, they're golden amazing. I love Michelle Renee and I have so many wonderful things to say about them. And so then too, now I do a real deep dive online. When people say, "Hey, you should do something with this person." I'm like, "well, first of all, are they white?" And then if they're like, "yes," it's like, okay, "well let me do my due diligence, cuz I'm just not gonna be a party to some ignorant white person who's out here unintentionally causing harm for people of color." Like, I know that people don't intentionally cause harm all people of color, but I feel like the people who are doing it unintentionally cause more damage than those that we know are racist and are purposely trying to harm POC. Like I'd rather see my enemy coming than my enemy not even know they're my enemy. Right? Yeah. So I deep dive of you and, and things that you're involved with and I'm happy to be here. And I'm so excited that you have several POC connections that I know personally. So you pass all my vetting and thank you for having me. Keely: Totally. And thank you for that honest opening, cuz that is so important to what we do here at CTC. And wanna always be clear that if there is something that comes up, that we address it and that, that is this. So much is center of the work that we do. So thank you for talking about that. And so our audience members who are listening will continue, especially the white listeners, always, constantly thinking about that. And what does that mean for them? What does that mean for me as a white person and so forth. Derica: Awesome. And I have one more thing to add. Yeah. Talking about this is is hard, but my white mother is the one who told me, if you don't talk about it, other white people can't learn to be better. And I was like, that's fucking brilliant. Okay, mom. Got it. So I'm choosing to talk about it, even though it's difficult because I want it to benefit others, not just POC Keely: Yeah. Thank you for talking about it. Thank you. Absolutely. . Cardinal: Hey, it's Cardinal. You're behind the scenes, buddy. Are there some unrecognized power or privileged differences in your relationship that are subconsciously throwing things off? Whack? Bring them to the conscious mind with our free relationship check-in worksheet, complete it alone or together. Link is in the episode description. All right. Back to the show. Keely: On that note of deep diving and vulnerability, we wanted to talk a little bit about queer dating. And before we talk about, cuz I do know that other people would be also very interested in the surrogacy work and we want you to open it, to talk about you wanna talk about as well, but we were very interested. We know that right now in the non monogamy section, just things go opening up. We have guests that are trying to figure out how to date as a queer person. Melisa: Right. Or how to, how to date as a queer person having been in isolation for a long time. Derica: Yes. All of that, like all of that. So like, I went like a good 10 years after I was able to identify to myself that I am queer because for the longest, as a teenager, I was like, "oh, women are so pretty." And then right after my 20th birthday, I like literally fell in love with this bartender. Her name was Emily. She's amazing. And she had been queer for a while and she was like, "oh, you're a new queer baby. Like, that's so cute." And I was like, yeah, but I still wanna date you . Then maybe for a year, year and a half after I met her, I did date other queer partners and it was amazing. But then I had a second child and life is hard to juggle when you have not one, but two babies. Yeah. And that second child's father was very supportive of me being queer. And like, he would take me out and be like, let's go find you a girlfriend and blah, blah, blah. And he wasn't like the creepy dude. That's like, "oh one penis. If you have a girlfriend, I get to fuck her". None of that. He just wanted me to have other partners that were queer and it was very unsuccessful, but I think part of it was. I was just so focused on being a mom. I was sort of losing myself to being a mom and I wasn't really intentionally working on that balance of getting to be myself and not be a mom 24/7. Yeah. And so I went a good 10 years without a queer partner. And then one day my brother brought home this wonderful person who's still in my life. And she slapped my ass when she was walking by and said something really cute about how pretty she thought I was. And it just kinda opened up this spark in me. "Oh, my God, you're missing this in your life." Like men are fine, but you, I really it's more like I'm a lesbian that just deals with men cuz they're convenient, but I could kind of without the men really but it's, it seems so hard to find queer partners. And then like, she was very sex positive. She was very, "let's go find some other girlfriends." And I was like, "yeah, let's do it." And so started the whole dating and kind of felt shocked at what we found and encountered when we threw ourselves into queer community where we live in Texas. Yeah. Yeah. There was a lot of gatekeeping and a lot of shaming us because we didn't have boyfriends. Right. Shaming us because we were non monogamous and it was like, "whoa, wait a minute." Like for me, I just, I grew up knowing my parents had queer friends, queer relatives. Like I had queer friends in school that always knew they were queer from teeny tiny taught age. And like, I just never had encountered the gate keeping that I came upon in the queer community where I live in Texas. And I was just like, "whoa, I'm not sure if I wanna date these people." And so yeah, what I found is some of the success in dating in queer circles is I actually have like go into these queer circles, not with the idea of I'm looking for someone to date, but that I'm looking for my people that I can have community with. And then it seems that organically, I find people to date. If that makes sense. It's kinda almost like if you're outside looking for a four leaf clover, you don't find it, but if you're outside, just admiring the grass, you find several. It's kind of the best analogy to explain how I teach other people to go about finding potential queer partners. Keely: Yeah, this is interesting. Well, Melisa, do you have a question? Cause I'm, Melisa: I just really appreciate the statement about dating like men out of convenience. I have had, I mean, dating apps, literally my friends know this, I shut it down. I'm like, I only want AFAB people I'm shutting down all the, you know, CIS dudes. And then after being like dry for months, I'm like, all right, well, let's just see. And it's like, I gotta date the next day. Like it's, there's just, it's so readily available, it seems. It is difficult to find those queer relationships. Derica: Right. And I'd tell people like, This is gonna sound real shitty, but dicks are everywhere and there are men throwing dick at you all day, every day. There's this gift of a guy in a boat driving down like a river where there's flip fish flying over his boat and I'm like, that's the AFAB experience. Keely: So there's just dicks, like flying. Derica: Truly like they're everywhere. But that doesn't mean they're worth your time or that they deserve to be in your space. And then the entitlement they have when you're not interested or you say no, or you change your mind midstream because you've decided that, you know, they're misogynist or they're ignorant when it comes to race, because they've never been with a black person before and I'm like, oh, I don't wanna be your first token black girlfriend. Like maybe can I be your second or third? Like come back after you've had some more experience. So yeah, now I've decided that like, going forward, if I'm going to date new male people, they either have to be. gender expansive or they have to be at least heteroflexible. Period. Point blank. Don't come over here if you're just some cisgender heterosexual dude, like I don't got time for your shit. I don't. You can't learn enough of what I need you to learn to be a healthy space for me. So, sorry. I, I can funnel you towards some of my cisgender heterosexual, female friends. that's about it. Keely: So aside from doing dating advice and working on your surrogacy work, you also hook people up with others? Derica: Like, not on purpose, but like if I know someone and I know some other people that, you know, I've seen on their social media where they're like, you know, I think I'm ready to start dating again. And I know that they're, you know, y'all meet some of the same parameters. I'd be like, "Hey, you should look at this. Or I think this person would be good for you. Maybe y'all should try to be friends and then see what happens after that." So, yeah, I'm definitely here for connecting people that seem like they might be a good fit or fun for each other. Keely: Well, it's interesting cuz you know, you are in Texas and that was one of the things that was really, I mean, there were so many things looking at your website, the recommendation from Michelle, like, oh my gosh. And then when you and I started texting, I was like, this person seems super rad but you're in Texas and I was curious, we're, you know, we're here in Portland, Oregon, everyone thinks it's a mecca for monogamy, non monogamy and queerness. Definitely not a mecca for any person of color. And so the difference dating wise, It's it's what you just said though, that happens here too. And I think, I guess my question is either from a personal note, when you're talking to your friends or when you're doing your surrogacy work and you're being paid to help somebody, what do you tell people about dating? How do you, how do you help people with the dating scene? Specifically your queer Derica: I think so for, for dating to be, be successful, one of the first things I find it super important is you gotta have like some idea of what you want and what you don't. And people that are just like, oh, I just want someone that doesn't work, cuz you're gonna end up with these people that you don't even really like. Don't choose someone just for the sake of having a relationship or having someone to have sex with. Like, you need to choose people that you like and can like sit at the dining room table and read books together. Not necessarily even together, but like sit at the table, read your own separate books. And like have conversation every now and then, and like really enjoy that person's presence. Right? Like, I think where a lot of people make mistakes is they're so touch starved that they'll choose someone that they don't really even like that much, but they like them enough that they don't hate them. So they'll self sabotage by dealing with a person that really isn't for them just to get what they're missing, like being touched starved, or being socially starved, right? Like not having social interactions with someone who's into you. And like, that's all gonna come in handy, but there's gonna come a time if they're not really for you. And they're just there for the same reason. Like they're just desperate for touch. And like you were the first person that messaged them back and like, we don't hate each other. That's not necessarily going to be successful in the long run. Yeah. And then when that ends, you'll be upset with yourself that you betrayed your own desires by settling, right. For something that didn't last or didn't work out or turned out really bad. Like there are those possibilities. So it's about being patient with yourself and it's about staying true to what you want. Like staying true to what you want. And if you don't know what you want, you need to fucking date around and figure out what fuck you want. Like, you literally need to date around just to figure out what you like, what you want, what you're into and what you're not into. so I'm the person who will go on practice date with you and I'll be your wing person. And we'll go on practice dates and find people to like talk to and ask for their phone number and buy them a drink or whatever it is, you know? Keely: Can you define what work you do? As a surrogate, a lot of folks don't understand, don't know the definition. And obviously depending on the person, everyone has different parameters and different ways that they work. Derica: Right. So it's hard to just describe, like, they were like, "can you give a description?" I can try, but it's easier to refer people to, there was a movie that gives there's actually a couple of movies that give really great examples about what surrogacy work is, but essentially surrogate, meaning, you know, like a substitute in place of, and professionally. I prefer to work with veterans who are struggling with mental, emotional, social challenges of reintegrating themselves back into regular society based on all of their trauma from tours that they've had to do and, or physical damage that they're dealing with. Like, you know, they don't have their right hand anymore and they were right-handed person. So now, you know, for example, there may be a husband who feels ashamed that he doesn't know how to finger his wife with his left hand. And that was something that she really loved. And now his right hand is gone and now he's stuck in his head about, "I don't know how to touch her with this hand. And I don't have the hand that she loved" and like, I find that a lot of people, when I am their surrogate partner, they're just really trapped inside of their head with all these anxieties. Right. And worries, and what ifs and when they are people who actually have romantic partners in their life. When I talk to their romantic partners, almost always the romantic partners are just like, I just want them to get unstuck from this prison inside of their own thoughts and just enjoy the moment, like, you know, talking to different partners, I want them to learn how to enjoy, to touch me without being worried about it being a problem, cuz that is problem as you're worried about the problem. So you're not focused on, let's just share touch, let's learn new touches. Just like when we first started dating, like everyone has to figure out what you like with each person that you're sharing intimate physical touches with, and, and you don't necessarily enjoy the same touch with every person cuz every person touches you differently. Like there's no one person, two people that can touch you exactly the same. Like even if you tell them, do this to me or even if they watch the other person do it to you, it's never going to be the same. It might be similar. It might be good. It's not gonna be exactly the same. There's a different chemistry, a different energy. Like it's all different. So just figure out the new way, right? Like, don't worry about all this shit in your head. Just do it. Like Nike, just do it. Melisa: Just do it. That's a good point though. Cuz even what we want can change over time. So like we talk often on this podcast about the beginner's mindset and I think that's so applicable here and it's hard to be, you know, in that beginner's mindset and present, as you said, if you're stuck on the worry train or evaluating yourself in the moment. Derica: so when I'm doing my work as a surrogate partner with different clients, every client has a different struggle or challenge and different goals of where they want to go, what they want to achieve. And I'm always super mindful that even when I'm with a client, I may not be the best match for the client. There may be another surrogate that I need to pass them off to, or see them in alternating spaces because they may be getting something from me, but they may be getting something different from another surrogate partner provider. And so I just like to be mindful that no one person can be everything that you need. They might seem like it. But the reality is there is no one person that can check all the boxes of perfection of your desires, dreams, wants, needs. Keely: Oh, that's so true. And when, so when I think about dating and I mean, all three of us are here to talk about non monogamy most of the time. And how do you talk to somebody who's going out to date under the mindset of like, yeah, not everyone, not one person can fit or fulfill all the desires that you have, but it's a monogamous person. How do you help them with the dating realm? Derica: Great question. And what I suggest to them is, you know, even if you are monogamous and you're saying you only wanna date one person at a time, I feel like no one should be monogamous until they dated one person for at least three months, right. And you can be dating other people or not. But if you haven't dated them for at least three months, you don't really fucking know them. You don't. And during that three months, I recommend that they, and you date other people as well, because you might find out that that one person is a great kink partner for you. Right. Y'all share the same kink. You fit together. Everything's wonderful, but like vanilla life, you can't stand them. They're annoying. They snore too loud. You can't fucking sleep. Like, you know, you may find that I only enjoy kink activities with this person. So have that conversation. "Hey, can we just be kink partners?" And then it's a whole, you have to own that. Kink can be so fulfilling that if you find someone that you mesh with so well in a kink life, and then you want someone else as your monogamous partner, well, then you're not actually monogamous because you still have your kink partner. Yeah. And you shouldn't have to sacrifice kink partner for a quote unquote monogamous relationship. And my thing is, and this is very controversial with a lot of people I talked to about true love is actually non monogamous because if you truly love someone unconditionally, doesn't fucking matter how many other people they're sleeping with, have a relationship with how many people they're married with, how many people they have kids with. If you love them unconditionally, you fucking love them unconditionally. So I feel very strongly that people that are monogamous are in conditional love relationships, not unconditional, because the judging about being non monogamous what is that that's not unconditional love. It's just not, no matter how much you wanna claim it is. It's fucking not. Keely: Wow. That's a great statement. Melisa, do you have anything to add to that? Melisa: No. At one point, I don't know we ever really talked about it, but we, we had a podcast idea or an idea for an episode that was like, is anyone actually monogamous? Does that exist? Because similarly, and we've talked about like the love we have, I have so much love for people who are platonic friends and from a non-monogamous standpoint, I would encourage even monogamous people to prioritize those friendships and that love just as much as any sort of a sexual or romantic partner. Derica: And here's the thing. ,So my parents have been married for 48 years and they've been together for 50 or 51 years. Wow. And in the beginning of their friendship, they were just friends. And my dad tried to marry her off to the richest guys in town and she just wasn't interested. And my mom is definitely unique. And so at some point, he said that he told himself, "well, shit nobody's ever gonna marry her. I'll just marry her." And I think he's lying. I think he was in love with her from day one. But because he was Mr. Popular and all the male pride to ego bullshit. I think he had to pretend like he wasn't interested. So I don't know. I don't know but throughout their marriage, they have always had separate platonic friendships. And they've always encouraged each other to be like, "Hey, that dude is good looking. Isn't he?" And be like, yeah, he's, he's dressed really nice. Or my dad would be like, man, she's fine. And my mom's like, yeah, she's pretty, you know, but they're like, they're so vanilla straight square narrow. Like, I don't know how I came from them because we are nothing alike. like talking in my work and also in my social circles, talking to friends in monogamous relationships who have been in long monogamous relationships, the long monogamous relationships only work when they've been confident about allowing each other to have independent friendships outside of their marriage. Yeah. Or work wives and work husbands and all these things. And so, just because they're only having sex with the person they're married to, doesn't really mean that it's actually monogamy, but those two people made it work. And I think that if we only use sex as the meter to say whether or not your relationship is monogamous or not. Monogamous is short-sighted and not all encompassing. There's so many other factors. And, and, and I think that humans are naturally non monogamous from birth, but we're inundated with propaganda and Christian abuse saying that we have to do this and we have to do that. And we have to do, and really, if you read your Bible, all you really have to do is love yourself and love God and love others. As long as you're not causing harm to others, hmm. I'm fine with my relationship with God. And I don't publicly out loud identify as a Christian because so many Christians don't act like Christians, but I am Christian and I was raised Christian and I love God and I love my people, but I don't care what god a person prays to, or if they choose not to believe in a god, like that's their business, that doesn't make them any less important as a human on earth. Like free to live their life, loving others, like leave people alone if it's not for you, it's not for you, but you're not the boss of them. So fuck off. Keely: That is a great way to unfortunately start wrapping this up, but this has been such a great conversation with you that I don't want it to end, and hopefully we can do it again soon, but I wanna make sure we always end the episode with everyone talking about their Queer Joy of the week, but is there anything else that you wanna let listeners know about yourself before we start wrapping? Derica: Over the course of COVID from 2020, I had to deal with some physical medical stuff. So I was already self isolating before COVID and long story short. I'm available. You can find me on social media. If you wanna get to know me and be my friend and date me, hit my inbox. Don't be afraid to say hi. Keely: Aw. Yay. And we'll make sure in half that in the links when we post. So now, we're to Queer Joy. Melisa, would you like to start? Melisa: You want me to start? Well, mine's very silly, but it's, it is authentically the thing that is bringing me the most joy and will continue to do so for this whole month. So I, I live in an apartment complex and they have silly little resident games and contests and things. And so I had entered my cat to win a potential prize and they won Pet of the Month this month, which makes me really happy too, because it's my birthday month. And I share a birthday with one of my cats, Ruby. So I'm like, all right, it's your time to be in the spotlight. So every time I go in the elevator now, like every time there's like a big sign and it has their little pictures and a blurb and I got a free gift card for coffee. So as silly as it is, that is like, I, I have so much joy. There's just so much there. Derica: I love that. Keely: Well, my, my Queer Joy is more of like it's a queer join and update. Relationship update. So selfishly, we've been talking about dating because. Well, I'm I'm solo poly currently. And honestly, I was casually dating somebody for the past eight and a half months and they are moving and may come back to Portland, but they have this amazing opportunity. They're gonna be opening a restaurant up for one of the awesome food network people, Molly. Yeah, like super rad opportunity. Speaking of how good non-monogamy is, I'm like yeah, go do that. And so, we talked and decided like, don't wanna do the long distance thing. Like don't have the space for that right now. And it's a six month contract and it was, it was, you know, bittersweet. It was like, I'm so excited for them. Talk about compersion. I'm gonna miss them. I'm, you know, sad, but I felt this was the best choice for me where I'm at right now. And I just wanted that, you know, and we still have connection, but so in good queer fashion, we said our goodbyes for now in person goodbyes. I am plant sitting. I have four of their plants and Not, you know, that, that really beautiful wrap up in making this really intent intentional decision was joyful in its own way. But also after we had our, you know, it was like evening time, but not super late. And I was like, you know what? I'm not gonna go home and cry into the ice cream. I'm gonna grab that ice cream and go hang out at this dinner, this family dinner in this like queer house. And I was outside and met up with one of my friends who is also potential sexual partner sometimes, and just hung out with a bunch of queer people and shared ice cream with people instead of crying into it by myself at home. So , there you go. A relationship update slash Queer Joy altogether. Derica: I am so proud of you for sharing your ice cream and whole experience with other people in community. Keely: Oh, thank you. Anything you would like to share? What was joyful for you in this past week or couple weeks or just something joyful you'd like to share? Melisa: Heck, I actually quite a bit of relationship heartbreak. I guess I'm just really thankful that I don't have COVID anymore. Yay. I'm on the mend and I'm feeling like super mentally, emotionally, socially excited about having the bandwidth to want to make new connections and meet new people and make new friends and maybe find some sex partners, some kink partners, and maybe even some romantic relationship partners. Like I'm just, I'm here for it. Keely: Yay. Oh, that's so D good. So glad that you're feeling better and have gotten over COVID. I know so many people, Ugh, Derica: It was difficult. Like I was like, this is the worst flu ever. And then I was like, let me take a test and you're supposed to wait 15 minutes, but that fucking test said positive within like 30 seconds. And I was "let me call my doctor." Yeah. So I called her and she was like, "okay, are you sure?" I was like, "I took two tests and they were both positive before the 15 minutes was up." And she was like, okay. And so I got the antivirals and I took them and I will warn anyone like, yes, I think you should get them. Cuz all of my friends that got them were better just within a couple of days. I was better. The last time I had COVID I was sick for six weeks. Keely: So, oh, wow. Derica: Yeah, I think that the antivirals worked and the bad thing about 'em is they make you have joint pain and I already have joint pain daily anyways, so that was not fun, but worth not having COVID for six weeks. And then it gives you this awful awful taste in your mouth. And so get you like a big king size bag of Halls and you just like keep pausing your mouth the whole time. but that it's worth it. It's worth not being sick with COVID for six weeks. And my lungs didn't get sick this time at all. I didn't have any lung issues. And the last time I literally couldn't breathe, like it was awful. So take care of yourselves, take your tests, let your doctor know. As soon as you know, you're positive, like do all the things. Keely: Yeah, that's really good. That's really helpful and glad you're on the mend and you are so awesome guest. Like I had so much fun talking to you. I hope we can have you on again. And other than that I hope everyone has a Queer and Joyful week. Derica: Thank you. thanks for listening to queer relationships, queer joy, a podcast by the Connective therapy Collective. Hosted by Keely C hemic and Melisa DeSegiurant with audio edited by Mars Gasper produced by me. Cardinal marking intro music is by bad snacks. This week's guest was aria, AKA intimacy. Cozomo find them on Instagram at poly free. Cardinal: Love all one word that's poly free love. If this episode made you smile or think, tell us about it. If you hated it, tell us about that. Review us on iTunes or Spotify, or send us an email at media Connective therapy, Collective dot com for more queer joy. Visit our website at www dot Connective therapy. Collective dot com. Love you by, um, love ya. Bye.